Masculine Archetypes & Romantic Initiation

Here are some brain bits from early August.

Exploring Masculine Archetypes

I recently finished reading King, Warrior, Magician, Lover by Robert Moore & Douglas Gillette. It was my first introduction to Jungian psychology and how it can be used to analyze masculinity using archetypes. Moore & Gillette split the archetypes into: king, warrior, magician, and lover. Overall, it was a fairly dense and expansive read. I had trouble compartmentalizing each of the archetypes properly. Therefore, I decided to briefly explore each below:

The king is the ruler of the archetypes. He’s responsible for managing the other archetypes and making sure they balance each other. He’s in-charge of appropriately calling forth each archetype to inspire the ego when appropriate.

The warrior is the action archetype. He is responsible for initiating activities, or carrying out physical acts, and provides clarity/focus through emotional detachment. He is the essence of razor sharp focus, and fuels much of the other archetypes.

The magician is the analytical archetype. He is responsible for reflection & problem solving. He is the shaman, and the scientists. He is what tries to make sense of the world. Exalted into his highest form, he is an uncoverer for society: he who sees the unseeable.

The lover is the archetype of sensuality and feeling. He is responsible for our sense of spirituality and connectedness. He is what brings humility and desires an excess of good for the other archetypes. He is what contributes to our feeling of aliveness.

I found it particularly interesting how Moore & Gillette related the ego to the different archetypes. They warn against identifying solely with one or two of the archetypes. Rather, we are to access the archetypes under specific scenarios to inspire a certain way of thinking or acting. We are to consult the archetypes rather than masquerading as them. You can only masquerade as one archetype at a time. This linearity causes friction when a blending of archetypal behaviours or perspectives is necessary.

I'm still confused how this model of masculinity dances within the framework of yin & yang between masculine and feminine energies. I'll probably be pondering this for a while.

Ruminating About Romantic Initiation

Many men, me included, really struggle with the minutiae of romantic initiation. We overthink it… wayyyy to much. Recently, me and a close female friend broke down a lifestyle protocol that should lend itself to easing authentic romantic initiation. Here's what we flushed out…

*All points are applicable to both men & women. Some points are specifically about the act of initiation, which in romantic contexts is done more-so by men.*

1. Build a solid foundation of friendships

• Often, I believe that intense desires for romantic relationships are fuelled by an insufficient social circle. Without solid friendships we tend to initiate, or seek out, romantic prospects from a place of social/emotional depravity, rather than curiosity. A life filled with amazing friendship is so fruitful and fulfilling that a romantic relationship can become an afterthought. It simply becomes the cherry on top of an amazing life filled with social sustenance. Sex and romance have an essential place in our social lives, but they shouldn’t take up the majority of that space.
• There’s synergy between increasing the overall quality of our social lives and our resulting success in romantic pursuits. Having a solid social circle allows us to show up more authentically in romantic interactions. It makes us more attractive and better equipped with the social skills necessary to explore the rugged landscape of sexuality and romance.
• On a special note, I think platonic touch is an essential component of friendships we often overlook (especially us men). I’ve personally found that much of my physical desire for a romantic partner was just me needing the touch of another human being. We all need physical touch… and ideally lots of it. So, hug your friends, give them high fives, lean on them when they are in proximity. Gift the feel good hormones of being a human to those around you… appropriately.

*This one is strongly directed towards the men, I don’t think women struggle with developing a good friendship foundation as much as men*

2. Spend time in spaces that filter for people with similar values. For me this includes

• Places where people go to learn
  • University classes
  • Professor cafe nights
  • Any class on arts or crafts
• Exercise clubs/gyms
  • Run, bike, triathlon, or fitness clubs
  • Climbing gyms
• Intimate conversational/emotionally-attuned settings
  • Authentic relating events
  • Local open mics

3. Doing the deed

• Test the waters, see if they can hold eye contact. This is you subconsciously establishing interest. If someone holds eye contact in-return, especially more than once or twice, it's likely a green light to approach

Or

• If you’re in relatively close proximity… say something… almost anything remotely appropriate will do. Comment on a niche part of their outfit, or remark on the current weather, or literally anything about the environment you’re in.

Or (this is the ballsy one)

• If you’re feeling particularly bold, and confident in your authenticity, go and approach them, regardless of circumstance. My rule is that I have to be overwhelmingly approaching from a place of curiosity and not disparity. This means avoiding approaching someone simply for the sake of approaching, or because it feels like something I should be doing more. I want to approach someone because they inspired a curiosity in me, which is a beautiful state to approach someone from.

4. Holding tension

• Initiation is only the beginning. Now we hope to have a genuinely nourishing human interaction. Personally, I’ve found lots of resistance towards holding tension. It’s often hard to sustain or sit within the polarity inspired by romantic curiosity and initiation. It’s anxiety inducing. As an initiator “you’re putting your balls on the chopping block” as Mark Manson would say. But without it, you’re robbed of the polarity required for a great romantic interaction. So:
• Don’t back down from lingering eye contact. Allow yourself to relax into it. When you hold eye contact you’re dancing with someone else's energy. Learn to sustain that dance.
• Learn to hold silences. This is another big one. If you can hold space with someone… especially silent space, it shows that you aren’t trying to prove anything. Many people impulsively fill space, it’s uncomfortable not to, but if you can step back, you allow the other person to step into the spotlight. You’re offering them to be seen by you, which is what most people want and need.

5. Learn to have great conversations… this one is beyond the scope of this little exploration.

• Here are two words that come to mind: playful attentiveness